Tag Archives: books

Crazy Love

crazy love

And just like that, with a weekend trip to Northern Virginia and some poor planning thrown into the mix, this supposed-to-be-up-on-Friday post turned into a Saturday post.

But before I headed the 6.5ish hours north yesterday, one of the Bible Study groups that I’m in this semester met Thursday evening to discuss chapters 5 & 6 of Crazy Love by Francis Chan.

Towards the end of a great discussion about the central themes of the chapters including following Christ with our all, desiring an intimate relationship with Him first, loving Him above all else, being willing to give up everything in pursuit of Him, and selflessly serving and loving His people as a result of our love for Him, as our conversation shifted to acknowledging we can’t do any of this on our own, someone said this:

“Asking God to help you love others is a really scary prayer.”

And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it ever since.

Yes, asking for God’s help to love others is scary. Because we know He’s a God who hears and answers our prayers.

And praying that particular prayer requires much of us. It requires that we set aside our own selfish desires for His glory, and it requires a willingness to obey when He makes His answer obvious. But scary or not, oh, how I want that to be the prayer of my heart. I want to love well and love more. And I need Him to do it.

“Is loving God – and, by extension, loving people – what you are about? … Something mysterious, even supernatural must happen in order for genuine love for God to grow in our hearts. The Holy Spirit has to move in our lives.” (Crazy Love, p. 102 & 104)

A Letter to My Teenage Self

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{so i’m more like 19 here. and taking a break from writing a paper at 1am. but close enough.}

Dear 16-year-old me,

You’re almost 17, and I know you feel like a hot mess of emotions right now, but your little brother died less than 3 months ago, and it’s okay to not be okay and to let yourself grieve. There are so many people around you who love you … who are committed to keeping up with you and praying you through. When they offer to take you out or offer an ear to just listen, they mean it. It’s okay to take them up on their offers.

Don’t be afraid to say you hurt. It’s okay to need people, to lean on others, to be weak. You don’t have to have all the answers, and no one expects you to have it all together.

And while your parents are grieving, too, remember that they love you something fierce, and no matter what some other people have told you, they don’t need you to be strong for them. They don’t always know how to help you grieve, but they can handle the truth. You can tell them how you really feel … and Mom really doesn’t mind going out and talking over cheesecake sometimes if that makes it easier.

I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but eventually you will settle into a new “normal”.

Your best friend of 6 years just moved to another state, and I know that makes it hard to trust people and let people in (something that’s always been hard for you anyway), but that other girl who was your childhood best friend? She’s not going to give up on you or go anywhere. In about a year, she’ll give you a ride to a party and then will surprise you with a CD because you just happened to mention how much you loved one of its songs. Your friendship may rebuild slowly, and you may not even realize it’s happening sometimes, but after college, you’ll be roommates and your relationship will feel more like being sisters than just friends.

So don’t be afraid to invest yourself fully in friendships. You may never be the one with a huge circle of friends, but the few close friendships you do have and maintain will be deeply meaningful.

You like the responsibility of having a job and doing your job well. And yes, it is awesome that your maturity and hard work are not only noticed, but appreciated and affirmed. But don’t forget to just be a teenager. You’re only 16. Your savings account doesn’t matter as much as you think (though it will come in handy once you have that apartment in college).

There will be plenty of time to grow up and work later. And trust me, I know you think being an adult in the “real world” with a “real job” will be so much better, and you’d like to just get there already, but you really will have days where you wish you could just go back to the TCBY years.

In the midst of working hard, don’t let work define who you are. Your work does not equal your identity. Learn that now.

And school. Girl, what is the rush? Leaving public school to return to home school after 9th grade was a great choice, and I realize overloading on classes may seem like an acceptable way to cope with grief and the disconnect you feel with other teenagers, but for heaven’s sake, slow down!

You don’t have to get out of the house as fast as you think you do, so take full advantage of all those community college English and Literature classes that you love so much. And then when you get to the end of undergrad and are really just ready to be done with school, would you at least consider staying for an extra semester to take those religion classes you’re crazy interested in? Just for the record, five years later, you’ll still wish you took at least a couple more classes with your favorite religion professor.

And while we’re on the topic of work and school, let’s talk perfectionism for just a minute. The pressure does not rest on you to do things perfectly or to be perfect. Contrary to what you sometimes believe, the weight of the world is not on your shoulders. You do not have to get everything right all the time. I hereby give you full permission to make a mistake (even a big one), to fail, to falter, to be unsure.

This will be a struggle that you will continue to deal with for years, but I want you to know now that the answer to this struggle is absolute trust in and dependence on our perfect Savior – let Him be perfect and rest in Him. Beginning to see life from an eternal perspective will serve you well in this.

And just for the record, when you do make a mistake (and you will) or when you are crippled by fear and anxiety over the thought of making a mistake your Dad will say (over and over again), “I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but this really won’t matter a year from now or even six months from now.”

I know you hate to admit that he’s right, but he is absolutely right.

A piece of advice? Be active. Seriously. Learn to love exercise, not because of the way it makes you look, but because of how good it makes you feel. Fortunately, although you do think about and care about the way you look, your perspective on your own self-worth and value even now are being firmly rooted in Christ. You are well on your way to understanding that true beauty begins in your heart and is based on your status in Christ rather than on outward appearance. Stand firm in this, even when you go through brief seasons that tempt you to view yourself differently.

You tell your friends that you’re okay not dating right now. And you really mean it. Young relationships don’t always make a lot of sense to you because they seem to lack purpose. Even at 16, you care a lot (sometimes too much) about doing things with purpose. I kind of hate to break it to you, but in 10 years, you’ll still be single (you won’t even have been in a relationship yet). It won’t always be easy for you, but being comfortable just being you and clinging to the Lord as a teenager will form a solid foundation for being confident in your singleness because you will continue to be confident in the Lord.

More than anything, you have a growing and deepening love for Scripture. Don’t let that passion wane. It will only grow stronger. Ask the hard theological questions. Although it may intimidate some, your Bible Study teachers are willing to engage your questions and help you understand as much as they can. As a natural progression to this passion and craving for knowledge of Scripture, you will even spend some time in seminary.

But take every opportunity to study God’s Word now and to know it well. It will equip you far greater than any other book you will read. And let’s be honest, you read a lot.

It may take a lifetime to understand how the Lord will use this passion for His Word for His glory. You have an interest in and heart for serving through missions, and that interest is just going to get a lot messier before you have any clarity. You will even specifically study how we discern where God is calling us to serve. But seeking Him is never wrong. Never stop trusting Him through the uncertainties and the mess. Never stop seeking Him with all that you have.

You’re a “words of affirmation” girl. That’s your love language now and it’s not going anywhere. Just be aware that sometimes, the words you hear won’t be affirming. But you do have a choice to believe them or not. You won’t be able to turn off all of the negative words and voices around you, but don’t let them tell you that you’re inadequate, incompetent, or not enough.

In times when you’re tempted to believe those lies, be ready to respond by constantly filling your heart and mind with the only words that matter … HIS words.

Know His Word, study it, memorize it, internalize it, trust it. When there’s no one else to preach it to you, preach it to yourself. Often.

Fix your eyes on Jesus Christ. Always.

Much Love,

26-year-old Emily

——–

This letter is part of a link-up hosted by Emily Freeman in honor of her new book, Graceful, for teenage girls. I rarely recommend a book that I haven’t read yet, but since I have read this book’s counterpart for women, Grace for the Good Girl, I am completely confident in recommending this book to the teenage girls in your life. This message of grace and letting go is so incredibly freeing, and I know my 16-year-old self would have benefited from it greatly.

For When I am Weak…

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“…For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

- 2 Corinthians 12:10 (ESV)

I know I don’t usually post at all on Saturday mornings, much less a devo thought, but this message is so important and so freeing that I just didn’t want to sit on it. I desperately needed this reminder. Maybe you do, too. So before you launch into that mindless novel at the pool, or head to that summer cookout, or start on that yardwork, or begin that week of vacation, take a moment to pause, to reflect, and to rest at the feet of Jesus. He loves us so well.

After completing week three of the “Grace for the Good Girl” book club hosted by Emily Freeman on her blog, which basically wraps up the section describing the many masks we good girls tend to hide behind … such as the masks of strength and responsibility, of a good performance, and even of spiritual disciplines … the one theme that stood out above all else was this:

weakness.

If I’m being honest, I tend to think of weakness as a bad thing. Not so much if other people admit to weakness. It’s ok if someone else shares a flaw or a struggle or has a need for help or support. But me? Well, that crosses the proverbial line. After all, I am perfectly capable of handling my own problems, answering my own questions, talking myself into a better attitude, and dealing with my own mess.

“Hiding behind a mask of strength and responsibility is a lonely place to live. That mask portrays to the world around us that we have it all together, that we can handle the mess, that we don’t need people. Or worse, that we don’t need God.” – Emily Freeman (p. 85)

Yes, I often wear this mask of responsibility – the one that demands I must have it all together at. all. times. – quite well. Even worse, I wear it proudly as if it’s somehow a badge of honor … all the while failing to recognize the straight up pride in that very sentiment!

“The truth is, admitting weakness is the very doorway the Lord uses to lead the tired good girl to a place of rest.” – Emily Freeman (p. 85)

I know that statement is true. The Lord does use weakness to lead us to rest in Him. I have even acknowledged weakness here before and spoken of the necessary choice to return to Him in complete surrender. A choice that must be made over and over again. Because this walk with the Lord, it’s everyday, it’s every moment.

Yet as the discussion in a subsequent chapter shifted to the parable of the prodigal son, as I continued to consider this good girl tendency of hiding behind strength and responsibility, I couldn’t help but think about the burden of guilt that I so often carry around as of late. Guilt because of missed deadlines (however soft those deadlines may be…), guilt because I haven’t done enough or been enough, guilt because the facade of having it all together fades, guilt because I have a need. It’s been a struggle, it’s been a weakness.

But then in the middle of the chapter, I came to this quote by Brennan Manning from his book “Reflections for Ragamuffins”:

“There is more power in sharing our weaknesses than our strengths. The forgiveness of God is gratuitous and unconditional liberation from the domination of guilt. The sinful and repentant prodigal son experienced an intimacy and joy with his Father in his brokenness that his sinless self-righteous brother would never know.” (p. 103)

brokenness.

And all of a sudden that weakness is wrapped in brokenness, and in that brokenness, there is hope. Because Jesus wants that brokenness. And in exchange, He offers to lift the burden, the weakness, and replace it with intimacy and joy.

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;

a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

- Psalm 51:17 (ESV)

Yes, this guilt … sometimes legitimate, sometimes false … leaves me broken and weak. But when I stop there, when I allow that guilt to rule instead of taking it to Jesus Christ and laying it at His feet in humble abandon, I miss out on the acceptance and peace and rest that He has already so freely offered.

“The beautiful redemptive truth is, I am free to identify with the Father, the one who offered unconditional love and acceptance to both sons. I don’t have to figure out the mess. I do have to trust in the One who can.” – Emily Freeman (p. 106)

—–

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)

I Fall So Short

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He loves me so well … in big ways and small ways … and I fall so short.

He loves me through a handwritten note with precious Scripture shared.

He loves me through a generous South Bend police officer who offers a ride instead of directions.

He loves me through raising up a volunteer in response to a last minute plea in my absence.

He loves me through the unexpected wave and grin of a sweet 18 month old.

He loves me through His Son and His perfect sacrifice.

And in exchange for His unconditional, relentless love, I neglect Him, I fail Him, I fall short.

He loves me so well … the God of the Universe, the Creator of all things, the very Foundation of this world and all that is in it … and I neglect to spend time with Him. I neglect to fully invest myself in really knowing Him. I neglect to trust His purpose and plan. I fail to love Him well in return.

He loves me so well, and I fail to love His people in accordance with not only His example, but His command. I put far too many conditions on the love I extend to others. I fail to love the unlovable because it’s inconvenient, because it’s hard, because it requires much of me. I fail to even love those closest to me well. I don’t invest the time or energy that I know I should, that I know I’m called to, that I know reflects Him.

I fall SO short.

And after realizing my own shortcomings, after labeling myself a failure, after feeling crushed under that weight, in a futile effort to regain some sense of order and control, I place unreasonable and unrealistic expectations on myself to measure up. To do better. Only to fall short again.

I first mentioned Emily P. Freeman’s book “Grace for the Good Girl” at the end of September (my first and only giveaway thus far).

It was convicting, but refreshing. Exposing, but freeing. But lately…

I find myself giving into my own good girl tendencies once again, putting them on like an old pair of jeans that just gets better with time. But as what was first comfortable and familiar wears thin, the oldness, the insecurities, the too-high expectations, the attempt at perfection, the inadequacies, the failure, the inevitable guilt all shows through.

I find myself caught up in my own self-sufficiency … because surely there’s nothing wrong with being independent, responsible, and dependable … but even in that there’s failure. What if someone realizes that it took me months to return that $160 dress that didn’t fit quite right? Will my self-sufficient, responsible image be shattered? And yet, even that is the product of an arbitrary expectation placed on myself.

So when Emily announced on her blog that she would be hosting an informal summer book club to read through and discuss this book together, I knew it was time to face the truth of its message once again.

And as I read this week, only 3 chapters in and a long way to go, once again facing these good girl tendencies head on, I was reminded that I don’t have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don’t have to hide behind the mask of responsibility and self-sufficiency.

Perfect isn’t real, but Jesus is.

Yes, He loves me so well, and I fall so short.

But that’s what this Grace is all about. And this Grace-Giver doesn’t command me to be perfect. He doesn’t burden me with unrealistic expectations. He doesn’t tell me to fix my flaws on my own. He invites me to come. He says to abide. He promises strength in weakness.

“Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God…” 2 Corinthians 3:5 (NASB)

_____

Does this struggle with perfection, this struggle to meet the expectations of yourself or others resonate with you? Would you consider joining me in this summer reading?

If so, go check out Emily’s introductory post here and then go read her first official post on chapters 1-3 here from yesterday.

Then would you come back and let me know that you’re reading, so maybe we can encourage each other throughout the summer?

I can pretty much guarantee that I won’t be posting here each week about the book, but I will be joining the discussion in Emily’s comments and in the Facebook group (see her posts for more details). And of course, feel free to contact me via email or twitter anytime (see contact information in the sidebar or on the about the author page).

Photo of the Week: Fourteen

2011: Year in Books

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As the end of the year rapidly approaches (we’re down to hours, here…), and I’ve slowed down enough this week to spend some time reflecting on all that was 2011 and looking forward to all that will be 2012, I thought it would be fun to join in with The Nester and recount the books that I’ve read this year. Truthfully, I didn’t keep track of them throughout the year, so I’m not promising that this list is 100% exhaustive, but it at least reflects (apart from Scripture / Bible Studies / books-in-progress and in no particular order) the books that proved memorable in some way:

Basics of Biblical Greek by William D. Mounce {I began the year in seminary}

Introduction to New Testament Textual Criticism by J. Harold Greenlee

The Source by James A. Michener {okay, so technically I still haven’t quite finished this one…but I’m close}

Quitter by Jon Acuff

Paul’s New Testament Letters {as a class assignment for my trip to Greece}

I Will Carry You by Angie Smith

The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence {a re-read}

Grace for the Good Girl by Emily P. Freeman

Radical by David Platt

Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo

The Litigators by John Grisham

The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins

What books did you read during 2011?

Happy New Year, friends!

Stepping Back

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One of the things I love most about blogging (aside from all the amazing people I get to interact with) is the opportunity it provides for stepping back to appreciate all of the ordinary moments that make up the everyday and to encourage the restoration of proper perspective in the midst of a too-full schedule.

So here’s 10 days (yikes!) worth of all-over-the-place random, photos from my phone, and stepping back…

Around this time each year, I look at my December calendar in the name of preparing for what’s ahead and tend to have a minor freak out moment until I settle into being just plain overwhelmed by the number of parties, rehearsals, and commitments that inevitably characterize this month. Without fail, that moment has come and gone. But after realizing that I had foolishly scheduled almost 10 days in a row of being out of the house every day (for pretty much all day), I did have the foresight to make some adjustments to the schedule where possible. I hate saying “no” to good things that I know will be fun and meaningful, but I find that I’m much less overwhelmed when I slow down enough to have at least a couple of nights each week with no commitments (I call this scheduling “margin” into life…time to be still and recharge…am I the only one who needs this?), so I can at least stay on top of cleaning the bathroom, vacuuming the carpet, and washing the dishes. All things that help me stay sane. At least relatively.

This helped with restoring perspective, too:

“The second coming of Christ will soon be here…Rest in the hope of that day. Work, watch, and look forward – one thing, at any rate, that day will make abundantly clear. It will show that there was never an hour in our lives in which we had our hearts too thoroughly focused on Christ.”

- J.C. Ryle (emphasis added)

I rode with my parents to my grandparents house in Northern Virginia for Thanksgiving. It was a quick trip (we left on Thursday and came back on Saturday), but since I wasn’t driving, I managed to read two books during the travel time. (“Radical” by David Platt and “Heaven is for Real” by Todd Burpo…just in case anyone’s interested.) We had a great time visiting with family, and on Friday, while everyone else was out shopping (which is just not my idea of a good time!), we helped my grandparents clean out old Christmas decorations from their attic, which is where I found these amazing vintage ornaments. I fell in LOVE with them, but no one else seemed to want them, so my Uncle and I divided them up between us and later found out they were my grandfather’s from when he was little. Even better!

Decorating the house for Christmas this year has been a process (and is still in progress), but my roommate, B (who happens to be blogging lots of fun and tasty homemade treats for 25 days of Christmas here) made these awesome stockings since we decided to change up the mantel theme this year. Aren’t they just the cutest???

Speaking of decorating, I know I left you hanging with the whole office re-do. I still haven’t really finished, but I did finally organize the bookshelf, and I really like it!

On Friday morning, I walked outside my back door to find frost all over my car. I didn’t feel like scraping the windows, so after saying “good morning” to my neighbor who was throwing out his trash, I opted to just sit in the car for a few minutes, eat my waffle, and wait for the defroster to kick in. About 30 seconds later, though, my windows cleared instantly as my neighbor had gone into his own car (he wasn’t going anywhere, mind you), taken out his de-icer spray, and sprayed all my windows for me. Totally made my morning!

Of course, ’tis the season for my weeks to be filled with lots of choir rehearsals in preparation for the Christmas concert (which is next Sunday) and for other extra special seasonal services (the Advent / Tree Lighting service is tonight!). And yesterday afternoon, I attended the women’s Christmas tea at church for the first time thanks to an invite from a sweet friend who hosted/decorated a table again this year. There were 81 tables all beautifully decorated by their respective hosts and a message of the hope and peace we have in the gift of Christ. So much fun!

And now, I’m planning to sit on my couch in my favorite fleece pants and enjoy an hour of stillness. I hope you experience some peace and stillness in the midst of this season as well!

The Inner Harbor

Where God is evidenced. Where my soul is anchored. Where my heart is filled.