After reading personal stories and then observing the birth and early life of Moses (see Alene’s post here for more on this), including the tension he felt between the conflicting cultures in which he was raised, we’re led to acknowledge our God-given differences and encouraged to step out and serve someone different than ourselves.

DO Assignment: Buy a $5 gift card to a fast food restaurant and give it to someone in need.

I didn’t think I really minded different. And yet, I knew this assignment was coming, and truthfully, I dreaded it.

It’s not like the assignment itself is that hard. It’s just being interested enough in someone in need to give them a gift card, so they can have a meal. A time commitment on my part of maybe 5 minutes. But I just hated the idea of it. It seemed beyond uncomfortable.

I may have even considered throwing in the towel and being done with this study.

Not even kidding. This was hard!

And the more I tried to accomplish the task at hand, the more I wanted to quit because it just. wasn’t. working.

But before I get to that, let me back up for a minute.

I struggled with this assignment and got really hung-up on it mentally.

To begin with, ministry to the homeless just hasn’t ever really been my thing. It’s way outside of my comfort zone. And something I’ve only ever had minimal experience with.

On the other hand, I couldn’t help but think that I could do anything for 5 minutes. In the scheme of things, this assignment didn’t really require all that much of me. So although there was an element of fear and discomfort, I could certainly force myself to step over that for this one time, one moment.

But then I hated myself for rationalizing it that way. Were my motives really that far off? As if all I was doing just was getting through the assignment … something I had to do, so I could check it off the list, write about it, and move on?

And then beyond all that (or quite possibly because of all that), I spent a lot of time considering the value in doing this assignment. I “needed” to know the point. Because how was it helping anyone to just do something for the sake of doing it?

While I don’t discount the value in simply doing something Kingdom-minded out of obedience that happens to be completely uncomfortable, I tend towards serving in relationship-based ministries. I hate the idea of “hit-and-run” ministry, so often, if I can’t see myself in it for the long-term (or at least know someone else is in it long-term), I choose not to even start. Practically expressed, this means that typically either I establish and foster a relationship with someone myself or I partner with a ministry that already has a longer-standing relationship with a certain individual or community.

But I’m already serving in some of those ministries.

So not only is this assignment “different” because of the people I’m asked to reach, it’s also different because of the very type of ministry.

But so what? Isn’t that the whole point of this Graffiti Summer challenge? To DO something DIFFERENT? Following Christ’s example? Meeting a need?

And then conviction sort of hit me like a ton of bricks: although long-term, relationship-based ministries are incredibly valuable, the Lord doesn’t need them to move in our midst.

Sometimes reflecting Jesus to someone simply means stepping out in obedience (whether it’s comfortable or not) into one person’s life for one brief moment to bless him with no strings attached, no expectations, and no agenda. For either of us.

And the value in that? That particular someone gets a meal that day and gets to hear that Jesus loves him and sees him.

And really, how is that not enough?

Jesus did that. He walked and served outside of His own small community. He fed people. He healed people. He met their immediate physical need, He spoke His eternal message to them, and then He moved on.

So, with that background in mind, I set-out to actually DO the assignment.

Hardest. Thing. Ever.

I’ve been trying for a week now to give a gift card to someone in need.

In all honesty, I haven’t driven that far off of my usual routes (which already take me back and forth across town several times a week), but there are a handful of people that stand on the same street corners that I pass on a semi-regular basis, and since I so often just drive past and ignore them, I thought this would be a great opportunity to actually take the time to notice at least one of them. To be intentional about stopping and blessing them with a meal.

But every time I approached the intersections in question, something happened to prevent me from giving.

One of the men left his corner for an apparent break, and by the time he came back, the light had changed and I was already running late, and in rush hour traffic, I knew I didn’t have time to make the loop back around. And even though he’s frequently on that corner, I haven’t seen him there since then.

At another corner, a different man left in the 7ish minutes it took me to go through the McDonald’s drive-thru to purchase the gift card. Since I had seen another man a few intersections up, I headed that way with my now second $10 gift card in hand, and he was gone too.

I’ve been armed with gift cards and kept my eyes open all week. And no one.

It should NOT be this hard to find someone who needs a meal!

So why WAS it so hard?

As difficult as it is to admit, maybe it’s because I tried too hard and not hard enough all at the same time.

Too hard because I was attempting to force and manipulate the circumstances to fit into my too-full schedule, so that I didn’t have to go too far out of my way and be too inconvenienced – I wanted God to work in my time frame in a way that made sense to me. I should know by now that God rarely works that way.

Not hard enough because maybe I wasn’t willing to go far enough outside of my comfort zone and my routine.

Ouch.

So this week, stepping out and serving “different” looked more like:

Engaging in genuine conversation with the barista at Starbucks – asking questions and taking the time to actually listen to her answers during a down moment on her Monday morning.

Putting a band-aid on a 3-yr-olds’ boo-boo. Which just for the record, makes it “All fixed!” His words, not mine.

Having a conversation with the man on the other side of the gas pump whose hands look like he’s been working on cars all morning. Sharing my blue pen with him and helping him find the auto part store.

And then just last night, as I thought I had fully processed all there was to learn this week, as I thought I was ready to step out and try again, I learned that a man I barely knew passed away after a long battle with pancreatic cancer.

I couldn’t help but cry.

This man, a professor at Dallas Theological Seminary, a man who likely wouldn’t even know my name, was a part of my own seminary education during my first couple of semesters as a semi-frequent and respected guest at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary.

His life reflected Jesus so well. And everything he said and did was an overflow of a heart that had lived it first and walked closely with the Father.

And yes, he did uncomfortable things and went to uncomfortable places, but I doubt he would have focused on that.

He just loved Jesus and loved people and lived a life of obedience and surrender.

I over-analyzed the heck out of this assignment, and none of it seems to matter now.

This life isn’t lived assignment to assignment. It’s lived in all out abandonment to and abiding in Christ. It’s being with Him … so close to the heart of Jesus that when He looks at those in our vicinity or across the world, those who are very similar to our own background or those who are a world apart, and says “That one,” or “Those people,” or “Go there,” or “Do that,” our hearts are in a state of readiness to hear it clearly and to just say “Yes.”

Maybe a “failed” assignment wasn’t so bad after all.

I still don’t know what God’s doing in all of this.

All I know is I’m not giving up on this one – I can’t NOT do it – but I’m not forcing it either.

I’m armed with gift cards and eyes wide open to where the Lord leads.

I’m ready to go a little further and lean into the Lord a little harder … trusting Him to guide my car and my heart to the right intersection or the right underpass.

I’ll sacrifice some spare time to search for the one in need, I’ll willingly enter the uncomfortable places outside of my typical routine, but after that, it’s in His hands.

And in the midst of all the failure that reminds me of my own humanity and brokenness and need, I just want to love Jesus and to reflect Him with this life.

I’ve been thinking and writing about several topics lately that are just not fully fleshed out, wrestled out, thought out, prayed out, felt out, and written out enough to post on the blog.

Although I’m completely on board with the idea that done is [often] better than perfect (trust me, I know how ineffective it can be to hold myself to a ridiculous standard of perfection), I also know that sometimes certain topics really are worth the extra time and consideration before publishing.

But I can at least give you an idea of a few topics I’ve been spending a little more time on:

1) Calling

A topic that has interested, fascinated, and baffled me for years. This fact is made obvious by my 31 Day Series I wrote on How to Better Understand our {God Given} Callings back in October 2011. My mind has been back there a lot lately. So I’m spending more time with it again.

2) Dreams / Goals

I know Ive mentioned this before. And I’m still thinking and writing about it. It’s just not organized.

3) Singleness

I’m hesitant to write on this and I’m not even a hundred percent sure why. I’m just not sure what value I have to offer the conversation, but I am single. Have been my whole life. And although I hope marriage is a part of my someday future, I genuinely want to live my single years well. With a Christ-like mindset, a servant heart, and eyes fixed on Him.

So while I continue to process and write about these topics (plus a few more) behind the scenes, I want to hear from you. Really.

What have you been thinking about? Writing about? Reading about? Or even listening to?

It doesn’t have to be serious. I have big plans to start reading The Paris Wife by Paula McLain this weekend, so if you’ve been reading any good novels lately, let me know those, too!

DO Assignment: Drive to “the other side” of town with eyes and heart intentionally open to your surroundings and open to what God reveals.

I so badly wanted this to be a neat and tidy post.

If I’m being really honest, while I most certainly spent time praying with all sincerity that the Lord would open my eyes and my mind and my heart to whatever He wanted to reveal, I think I had several preconceived ideas of how that might look.

I didn’t want to go into this assignment with certain expectations, but I did find myself hoping that this would be a holy and beautiful experience that left me broken for people and filled with God’s love for them.

And although technically I drive through what could be considered “the other side” of town whenever I go the non-interstate way home from church (it’s where I rejected Jesus on that street corner. not my proudest moment.), for this assignment, I knew I needed to see something different. Something a little less familiar.

Charlotte is big. There are several “sides” to choose from. And I don’t have to go very far from home to get to them. So less than 25 minutes from my own neighborhood, I began my 25-ish mile circles through some rough and impoverished areas of town.

As I started out on my semi-planned route (I did have a couple of specific spots I knew I wanted to see, but other than that, I pretty much just drove), I found myself unexpectedly filled with the following:

1. Hesitation – It was nearing dusk and quite frankly, these were parts of town I’d just rather not be after dark. It didn’t feel so much like actual fear (though maybe it was headed that direction), just hesitation. And bonus, my gas tank was sitting a little too close to empty for comfort.

2. Juxtaposition – On the one hand, everywhere I looked there were people and homes and lifestyles that didn’t really look all  that different from mine. But on the other hand, everything was different, and the differences threatened to be insurmountable.

But then it struck me. I went to high school (for one year) on the West side of town and this first area wasn’t so unfamiliar after all. This was my old bus route. These were my old classmates. These were my one-time friends. These were their stomping grounds.

And I couldn’t help but think … did I miss an opportunity to love them then? And am I now sitting in judgment of them? What changed? What hasn’t?

I was uncomfortable there. I didn’t fit in. I didn’t belong. I felt on display with every passing glance and stare. I wanted my windows rolled up and my doors locked. I didn’t want to linger in these areas because that just didn’t seem wise. But they live there. This is home.

From there, I headed in the direction of the one of the local men’s shelters on the outskirts of uptown. Although again a more-or-less familiar area, it’s not one I ever pay much attention to as I drive through it to wherever my destination happens to be for an evening out with friends.

It was around this time that my thoughts became far less organized (not that they started out in great shape…). I was simply lost in the act of driving and watching and observing:

The apartments known for their multiple drug busts.

The motels known for prostitution.

The other motels known for murders and violence.

The street name shared with a high profile gang.

The pimped out cars that made me wonder how and where the expensive parts were acquired. Or what month they went without electricity to afford the stereo system.

The two old men engaged in friendly conversation sitting at the bus stop.

The gas stations where, although my gas gauge was inching closer to “E”, I would never dream of stopping for gas because it just wasn’t that safe.

The mom walking down the busy street with her two children … one who looked about 7, the other who was probably around 2 (the same age as the preschoolers I work with at church on Sunday mornings).

The homeless man dressed in clothes that seemed far too heavy for such a warm evening with the beard that should have been white if only the red dirt and ruddiness were washed away.

The strip shopping malls with very few store fronts that were in my language.

The countless places to buy lottery tickets.

The heightened police presence.

The high school that required increased security to keep students safe … from the outside and from each other.

The greasy fried chicken joints seemingly on every corner.

And the longer I drove and observed, the more I just couldn’t seem to get over myself.

In general, none of the areas that I drove around were completely unfamiliar. I may not spend a lot of time there, and I certainly went down some roads and through some neighborhoods that were brand new to me, but I’ve lived in Charlotte a long time. At some point or another, I’ve driven through most of these areas. Sometimes with a certain degree of frequency.

But that’s just it. I’m typically just driving through to get somewhere else. These areas are very rarely my destination. For many reasons.

So as I was driving around to be in these areas intentionally, I found myself becoming so judgmental, so guarded, so uncertain at every turn.

It felt ugly and piercing and convicting and not at all what I expected.

So yes, I wanted neat and tidy. And instead, I got raw and real.

But maybe this is better. Maybe this is right where God wants me. Maybe He’s got something in store for me – to show me, to grow me, to use me – that I can’t begin to predict or imagine. Maybe He needs to break me and strip me of this part of myself, so that He can reveal just where and how He’s moving and just where and how I can join Him.

I don’t know exactly. And honestly, I don’t want to try to make too much sense of it just yet.

But I’m still committed to stick with it and find out.

How about you?

Sometimes life is unspeakably beautiful.

Most of the time, the categories and seasons of this life aren’t so mutually exclusive. And somewhere in the middle, in the midst of the everyday that refuses to be so easily defined, I often feel like a hot mess of back-and-forth, up-and-down, I-don’t-know-which-way-is-up.

The inner tension and turmoil can become unbearable as I try to process and make sense of and unpack this life as it changes and unfolds.

There is so much that I just plain don’t know or understand.

The more I flesh out questions that don’t have easy answers, the more I try to make sense of how my life intertwines with others, the more I try to understand God’s plan, the more I realize how little I actually DO know and how far I have to go.

And it’s in those moments that I come closest to understanding the reality that I’ll never actually get there.

At least not this side of my eternal reality.

Because the “there” that I seem to be aiming for, that seems to exist only within the confines of my own brain, that demands nothing short of near-perfection and getting every little thing right all the time, doesn’t actually exist.

It’s a twisted perception that assumes if I just had this or were just better at this or could just improve this, life would suddenly be as it should be.

But that’s just not right at all.

And the weight of the error in that sort of thinking is downright crippling.

But on the other side, there is relief and release when I can come to grips with even a dim understanding that I’m not supposed to have answers to everything and that I’m more-or-less supposed to feel helpless and out of control.

Because the hard and unpleasant and I’m-not-even-sure-how-to-live-with-it truth is I am helpless and out of control.

I don’t call the shots.

I don’t control this life.

No amount of over-analyzing or self-evaluating or hyper-spiritualizing will EVER change that.

Yes, if I identify areas in this life that need work, by the grace of God and by the power of His Holy spirit within me, I can be changed. He can and will continue to sanctify me, to make me holy, to conform me to His image.

But I can’t get there by a sheer force of will or by maintaining the ideal schedule.

As I consider the future … having dreams and setting goals and making plans … it’s easy to become so task oriented and short sighted that I fall into the trap of thinking if I just make the plan and do the work, I’ll achieve success. Or conversely, that if I want something and don’t do anything about it, I’m just not driven or ambitious enough, and might as well accept failure.

But interruptions and inconsistencies and inconveniences are just part of life. That’s where God so often chooses to work. And the more I try to do all the right things or to have all the right answers, the more my focus ends up back on myself and my gaze slips from HIM.

This life still isn’t and never will be about me.

And when my eyes are rightly fixed on the Lord, when I’m seeking Him first, while I don’t have all the answers and I certainly still lack understanding, somehow perspective is restored and I can rest in the reality that I don’t make my own path straight. I can dream within the context of desiring more of Him (for myself and for others), but I don’t control how that plays out in this life nearly as much as I think I do.

So this is where I once again admit that I just don’t have many answers at all.

That this life is most right when my eyes are steadily and assuredly fixed on Christ.

That this life is more about seeking His presence than seeking all the right answers.

That this life is so much better when I trust the details and directions to His plan and His way.

That this life is not for me to make sense of because I’m not in control of it.

But in the midst of the unknown of this life, the one thing that I do know, that I can say with absolute assurance, that is beyond comforting is this:

God IS.

In all of His sovereignty, goodness, and holiness.

He’s the Great I AM, in control of this life and this world from beginning to end.

God IS.

God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.”
Exodus 3:14 (ESV)

1. I made brownies last night. For no reason at all. From a box. Because really, brownies are the one thing that I honestly think just turn out better from a box than from scratch (and I have tried several different recipes hoping to disprove this trend). So if you have a from-scratch recipe that you think is better, send it my way!

2. Have you considered joining me for the Graffiti Summer Study and Do challenge? You definitely should. It’s going to be good.

3. I’m reading the book of Nehemiah right now with the She Reads Truth community. I did a quick read-through of the book a few weeks ago as I was anticipating reading through it slowly on my own. And yes, when I start a new book of the Bible during my daily time with the Lord, I typically do a quick reading of the entire book first for context before I slow it way down. But when I noticed the #shereadstruth plan was Nehemiah, I decided to read along with their 17-day plan (with the YouVersion app).

It’s been great so far, and I have been so encouraged by Nehemiah’s commitment to prayer through every life situation. He prayed boldly, fervently, specifically, expectantly, and often. Such a powerful example!

4. I’m going to see Iron Man 3 this weekend. What movies have you seen lately?

5. Happy Memorial Day weekend!