“…for it is God who works in you to will and to act

according to His good purpose.”

Philippians 2:13 (New International Version)

while i would like to think that i am a genuine blogger, i’m hesitant to post this.  yet, from a “keepin’ it real” perspective, it’s where i am.  maybe it’s where you are, too.  and maybe we can encourage each other.

if i could characterize the past couple of weeks or so with one word, it would be this:

struggle

i am stretched thin.

i am evaluating directions.

i am battling negative emotions.

i am frustrated – even a bit angry – with my studies.

i am in constant thought (introspection can be a dangerous thing…).

i am beyond exhausted.

but over the past several days, in the midst of the struggle, the same theme has been recurring in various forms and settings:

surrender

while this may (or may not) come as a surprise to you, in my “real-life” interactions with people, i can be quite guarded.

oh sure, i use myself as illustrations for leading devotions and small groups all the time and i am happy to share about pretty much anything when asked a direct question.

and in those ways i am an open book.

but when i use myself as illustrations, it’s often in areas that i’ve dealt with in the past (even if that “past” was a week ago…), so the intensity of “dealing” with it typically either has faded or is fading.

and when i’m asked direct questions, even about my uncertain future, i’m able to answer honestly without necessarily giving extra of myself.

but when it comes to offering where i’m hurting or struggling or uncertain – basically, where i’m weak – i keep it [mostly] to myself.

what i am realizing more and more, however, is that i have a tendency to use the same tactic when approaching the Lord.

it’s easy to share my past with Him.  it’s in the past.  i can give it to Him fully. i can learn from it.  i can grow from it.  but it’s done.  it can’t be changed.

it’s also relatively easy to share my [at least distant] future with Him.  it hasn’t happened yet.  i can’t really do much to control it.  so i might as well trust Him with it.

but the present.  right now.  the everyday.  who i am.

i hold it back.  i keep it to myself.  as if He doesn’t know, doesn’t see, doesn’t understand.

but in the midst of this realization, the recurring theme from songs to blogs to books to Scripture seems louder than ever.

He wants my past.  He wants my future.  He wants my present.  He wants my good.  He wants my bad.  He wants my brokenness.  He wants my all.

and i’m left with this:  

surrender

(click the “play” button to hear “I Surrender” by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir)